“I hate men.”

The three deadly words that no woman is supposed to utter. Not only that, we are expected to constantly soothe men first before we address their violence against women- prefacing our frustration with “not all men” or “I do not hate men” just to make sure we still prioritize their feelings over the danger we feel for our lives. “Man-hater” or “misandrist” have become slurs that seat neatly alongside the usual list of slurs (bitch, whore, slut, etc.) used on women who step outside of the patriarchy’s box to box them back inside.

Admittedly, for so so long, I too struggled with saying “I hate men” and took offence to being called “man-hater” whenever I expressed the sentiment that men shouldn’t treat women like garbage. I wanted so hard to prove that no, I do not hate men just because I want my liberation from their rules. But the more I unpack and unlearn those concepts, the more I get comfortable with saying yes, I should hate men who hate women. It is a correct, healthy, and natural response to feel that way. Anything less is patriarchal conditioning convincing me I need to love men no matter what shit they put women through. I am not supposed to love men who are misogynists, sexists, rapists- I am supposed to hate them. And hating them is not the problem- their actions are.

You see, unlike misogyny, misandry is not actually a thing that exists in a vacuum. What I mean by that is that misandry is often placed on par with misogyny- as its total exact equal opposite. Misogyny is when men hate women and misandry is when women hate men. Simple symmetry. But this is misrepresentation. The opposite of misogyny is not misandry- the opposite of hating women is not hating men- it’s loving women. The actual opposite of misogyny is feminism. And misandry is just a reaction to misogyny- it is not a standalone thing that a exists on its own. When you hate women- when you oppress them, abuse them, violate them, rape them, kill them, control them through laws, traditions, religions- they’re supposed to hate you. Because what’s the alternative? Sit back and accept what you’re putting them through for the sake of love? For the sake of not being called a man-hater?

As women we are supposed to still love men even when they violate, abuse, rape, and kill us- because that is how the patriarchy is sustained. We give and give and sacrifice our lives for men; they take and take and uphold their entitlement over us. It’s about time we stopped normalizing that exchange.

***

“Hate” is a political tool and it is gendered. There is a massive difference between the way men hate women, and the way women hate men. When women hate men, we want them to stay away and leave us alone; when men hate women they want to oppress and kill us. Let us stop pretending those two things are equal opposites.

Women hating men isn’t harmful. Men hating women is deadly.

Women hating men isn’t harmful. It lacks the systemic bones and structures and power required to make it harmful. It is similar to “reverse racism”. In a patriarchy, women do not have the power to inject their hatred of men into laws, religions, traditions, to disadvantage and oppress men. So that hate is actually not doing any systemic harm. But men hating women is deadly. Misogyny is wild and rampant in our world. Woman-haters are everywhere- they are our presidents, politicians, priests, doctors, engineers, entertainers, artists. They are our fathers, uncles, brothers, husbands, sons. Misogyny is weaved into men who inject their misogyny into everything they control- from our homes, our relationships, beliefs, laws, systems, entertainment, medical care, etc. There is plenty of misogyny everywhere. As a woman you know that there is no shortage of misogynistic experiences for you to be put through over the span of your life.

Men do not even need to utter the words “I hate women”- their actions speak for their beliefs- whether they are actively violating women or sitting back silently watching it happen. Because if enough men were actually doing something about misogyny- it wouldn’t still exist.

So, if women hating men isn’t a harmful “revenge” equivalent to misogyny then what is it accomplishing? And, more importantly, why is it necessary? i.e. what actually happens when we hate men? They don’t get oppressed, they don’t get violated, they don’t get abused, they don’t get raped, they don’t get killed. But here’s what happens: their feelings get hurt. Their ego and entitlement get a reality check. They feel alienated perhaps. And all those things are actually necessary to nudge men operating on the premise that patriarchy is just natural order. They become uncomfortable, as they should. And they often end up reacting in two different ways: either they double down and hold on to their misogyny, call us man-haters for not appeasing them, and stay oblivious to the irony of all that. Or they lean into their hurt feelings and learn how to be better men. And I think it’s worth risking the former if there is a chance you end up with the latter (even if the chances are slim). Because the alternative is doing nothing and we can no longer afford to do nothing.

When women hate men- that hate is constructive not destructive. It doesn’t lead to abusing men- it leads to abstaining from them until they do better. It doesn’t lead to oppressing men- it leads to setting higher standards for them to step up into. Most self-proclaimed or accused “man-haters” I know are women who are also partnered with the most amazing, sweetest, kindest men. It is not a coincidence- it is a result. And it is something that is definitely worth further research.

So, what actually happens when we hate men? We dismantle something very specific in the patriarchy: male entitlement to our love even while they hate us.

Farida D. is an Arab gender researcher and poet, studying Arab women’s everyday oppressions for over a decade. Check out her books!

Farida D.’s room membership: Once a month I will email members an article that helps dismantle patriarchy. To become a member, type your email and click join: